The midterm election is just around the corner and of course, that means it’s time for the pandemic du jour! If you’ve already put away your Covid decorations, it might just be time to bring ‘em back out. The season for fear, panic, coercion and intimidation is right around the corner; you wouldn’t want to be caught with your mask down.

As of this writing, the leading candidate for instilling panic among the populace is Monkey Pox. I’m not sure if mentioning Monkey Pox requires the “™” or not, as the virus is most likely owned by Bill Gates, Anthony Fauci, the WHO or quite possibly the National Institutes of Health. No matter because whatever virus will effectively terrorize you into compliance is the one they’ll promote breathlessly, endlessly and with the full vigor that one has come to expect from tyrannical propaganda organs throughout history. So to get you fully prepared to march in complete lock step with the rest of the herd, we’ll offer some tips on how to incrementally surrender rights that you’ll never be able to get back. Because, Science™!!
First, you’ll need to stock up on facemasks and toilet paper. Facemasks haven’t really been effective in the past; well unless you’re talking about delaying early childhood development, but safety and your health were never really the point anyway. Masks make it easy to identify those who won’t submit and may need further coercive techniques to get them under control. Don’t forget, no matter what their story is, those mask-less people who are standing ten feet away from you at the bus stop, in the open air, are really saying that they want to kill your grandmother. But of course, once you’re fully stocked up on masks, they’ll actually become currency for when the economy finally crashes around you, crashing for reasons unknown. Toilet paper has no real value other than possible barter currency as well, but when people lose their fucking minds, they always seem to grab for rolls of Charmin. Might be some sort of talisman I’m not familiar with.
It’s also a great time to familiarize yourself with all the large national chains that will eventually be designated with the holy label, “Essential!” Remember, even though small businesses are the backbone of the economy, if they’re non-essential, they’re non-essential; because Science™!! Make sure you know the location of your nearest Wal-Mart, National chain grocer, Liquor store, Pot store, Planned Parenthood, Home Depot and Target. Please avoid the dentist, the doctor, local grocers, pubs, restaurants, gyms, support groups and churches. If your neighbor loses his small business during the shut down, well then that proves he wasn’t a really good businessman to begin with and hell, he probably wanted to kill your grandmother anyway.
Remember, social gatherings will quickly become disallowed, or to use a phrase that actually happens to have more historically relevant gravitas; “Verboten.” This will require some planning on your part. But to be morally superior, you have to make some effort or the whole of society will do crazy shit like, “live.” Don’t bother to plan that big fancy wedding. Save money and time and elope now. As you know, your grandmother is going to die at the hands of the non-compliant anyway, with quite possibly most of the rest of society, so planning a big to-do is pointless. Graduations will be on-line if your child doesn’t jump out the window from years of social depravation and on-line isolation. Birthdays and other celebrations of life will only be allowed for those who get to tell you that you can’t have Birthdays and other celebrations of life.
If you have elderly loved-ones in long-term care facilities, you might want to visit them as soon as possible because once the “insert virus name here” pandemic hits, they’ll be isolated and alone, at least until they get doubled up with other patients who have tested positive for “insert virus name here.” It’s the proven Cuomo approach, and while he killed a large majority of elderly in his state, it earned him the Emmy anyway. That they took the Emmy back is really no concern, because he wasn’t being punished for the death count but because he got touchy-feely with an employee. That was the more immediate concern over the health of the public; because Science™!! In any case, once your loved one, who suffered for the last ten years with dementia, congestive heart failure, obesity and diabetes passes, they too can be counted in the great database of deaths attributed to “insert virus name here;” of course, it will be death from “insert virus name here,” not death with “insert virus name here.” Think of the virtue status you now gain from being able to say that you too lost a loved one in the great pandemic of 2022. This gives you the moral purity you’ll need to snitch on your neighbors and coworkers who refuse to bow to your demand that they place your personal safety above their personal convictions. Oh, and though your dead loved one sacrificed far more than you to make your point, you were never really that close anyway and she’s not around to complain.
If you happen to be lucky enough to be “essential,” then it’s your duty to harass belittle, shame and publicly humiliate those co-workers who refuse the new vax specifically designed for “insert virus name here.” Even though the vax may not really be effective, wasn’t really tested and the insert for adverse reactions is blank, you can trust that your government, who has never ever, not once, really honestly, super pinky swear, as dog as my witness, ever, ever lied to you for any reason, has your best interest at heart. Ignore for the moment, the fact that the only immunity in the whole conversation is immunity from liability. And don’t let your co-workers talk about silly “exemptions,” because unless they work for a major pharmaceutical company, the White House, the Congress, The Judiciary, the CDC, the FDA, Pfizer, Moderna or Johnson and Johnson, then their silly little argument about personal convictions has no merit. Make it clear to them; by doxxing them; spreading rumors about them at work; ignoring and isolating them; remember, it’s your health they’re responsible for. You could always get a twisted, off-center haircut, change your name to Karen and demand to speak to the manager. Because, Science™!!
Of course, no pandemic is complete unless it can affect the outcome of elections. So to make sure you’re prepared this time, go and register early for mail-in balloting. And if mail-in ballots are good, then multiples must be that much better! Register as yourself, then register as your neighbor’s dead cousin, your illegal gardener, his five year old son, the elderly loved one you lost due to “insert virus name here,” the elderly loved one’s dementia unit room-mate, your child, your future grandchildren and just about anybody you can think of. Don’t worry, several of them will stick, and the chance of getting prosecuted has been shown to be as low as the probability of dying from “insert virus name here. ”
We hope this helps, because as we approach the kick off of whatever pandemic is going to shape the course of the next few years, you’ll need to make some serious decisions. How many more lifelong friends or loved ones are you willing to walk away from because your panic is greater than the value that they bring to your life? How many more children are you willing to permanently affect because you choose not to put yourself and your irrational fears away behind locked doors, instead forcing it upon those less likely to be sick in the first place? As you sit alone in your car at the stop light, silently fuming at the woman in the car next to you because she’s not wearing a mask like you, will you ever at least come to the recognition that you’ve been lied to, manipulated and controlled? Will you ever be able to realize as hard as it is for you to admit it, that you have been a willing participant in the destruction of the lives of many? Can you at least recognize that this is not the first time that this has been the case in history; as fear can be a powerful method of control, used by governments to accomplish at the hands of a terrified population, that which the government could not legally, ethically or practically accomplish on it’s own?
The most dangerous pandemics in the world are tyrannical governments. The contagion of fear and the resulting death of society is spread by those who above all, are willing to sacrifice others for the promise of security and protection by the those who would seek to rule over them and would ultimately sacrifice them on a whim as well.
If I were you, I’d mask up….