The candidate looked squarely into the camera through the almost invisible glass of his trusty teleprompter.  He was firm and measured, “cool” some said.  “The American people deserve better,” he said, pausing for effect.  “In the greatest country on the planet, at this time in history, to have such a disparity between the “haves” and “have-nots” is unacceptable, bordering on criminal.  The one-percenters have theirs and are only concerned with getting more.  How many cars are enough?  The other party, they’re all for the rich having as many cars as they want, with any options, three-car garages full of greed.  While they’re whizzing around in their Beemers and Hummers, they want granny driving over the cliff in an old 70’s Dodge Dart with no brakes; they can’t wait for you to die in a traffic accident.  People have a constitutional right to affordable, reliable transportation.  Our “Affordable Car Act” will finally bring mobility and freedom to millions of Americans who have been shut out of the car market by greedy car manufacturers and dealers, profiting on the pain and suffering of those who simply want to get to the welfare office to pick up their EBT cards and government cell-phones. It’s for the children.”

A government option...

A government option…

The campaign was long and grueling. The Affordable Car Act, nicknamed “Obamacar” was the centerpiece of his campaign to fundamentally change the parking lots of America.  “Yes we can drive” was the rallying cry of the campaign at universities and driver’s education schools around the country. “Hope and change lanes” posters popped up all over the country and the candidate was propelled to victory.  He swore to follow through on his promise to bring “affordable travel to the millions lacking in basic transportation” by the end of his first term.  Secretly, he supported a “single dealer” system but he knew deep in his heart, that it would be decades before American drivers would accept that.

The fight over the law was as long and grueling as his election.  The majority of Americans didn’t want their auto-plan decided by some bureaucrat in Washington. It passed in the middle of the night with only the Democrats voting for it.  Soon, the law was challenged in court, with many opponents convinced that it was unconstitutional to force Americans to buy a vehicle that they don’t want or have points taken off their licenses if they didn’t.  Were the points considered a  “moving” or “non-moving” violation? The administration claimed it was a non-moving violation until they stood before the Supreme Court and admitted that it was in fact a moving violation after all.  For some reason the Court held it constitutional to require Americans to buy a car against their will or be hit with punitive points against their driver’s licenses and the administration celebrated, ready to start the roll-out of the program scheduled just a few short months away.

To allay the fears of the majority of American drivers, the new President reiterated again and again that the law was for the benefit of all. “Let me be clear.  No one is going to lose their car. No one is going to lose their car dealer.  You like your car, you keep your car.  You like your dealer, you keep your dealer.  Period.  The government isn’t going to take away anyone’s car.”

The implementation of the law was a fiasco.  The website was scheduled to launch on Presidents day, to take advantage of all the savings on previous year models, making room for next year’s.  The website, Autotrader.gov was repeatedly unavailable for shoppers to get quotes.  Many people were shocked to find that cars offered through “Obamacar” were actually costing as much as 5 times more than their previous car payment and the car choices were limited.  Apparently, models and makes of existing cars were no longer available for sale and existing models owned by Americans, cars they liked and could afford were no longer allowed to be registered.  Many people were frustrated and quite upset, accusing the administration of “false advertising” and “bait and switch, used-car-salesman-like” tactics.  The Administration denied the claim of false advertising, saying that their fine print clarified it, that they should have been more precise. They added the caveat to their long held claim, changing their position to “most Americans would be able to keep their cars, if those cars met the minimum requirements and options required by “Obamacar”.”  Further angering the voters were the waivers given to lawmakers and union officials who had their down payments paid for by taxpayer subsidies, enabling them to keep their late model Lexus’.

In fact, many of the bills’ supporters and lawmakers never read the bill.  Specifically, the options required to meet “Obamacar” standards which were quite high, causing many existing cars to be illegal.  The administration blamed this difference on “Shady Dealers” or “Bad Apples” who dared to offer prices that reflected the options that car buyers wanted and could afford instead of the car the government decided all Americans should be driving.  People started losing their cars all over the country and their options in the “Obamacar” program soon became apparent.

The “Bronze” plan was the basic “Obamacar.”  At a monthly car payment of $750 with a $15,000 down payment, it had the following minimum options:

  • All cars were to be electric only
  • All cars were to be “Eco-friendly” green; no other paint options were available
  • All cars were required to have a minimum of 4 child seats installed, whether the buyer had children or not
  • The car was actually a minivan that sat 6 people
  • A minimum of 20 airbags including one in the glove compartment
  • A limited lifetime warranty provided by “Planned Driver-hood” shops, subsidized by the Department of Transportation
  • All cars had a top speed of 30 miles per hour
  • A built in GPS locator so the newly created Department of Towing and Recovery could locate you if you needed assistance.  At any time.  Anywhere.
  • 8 “cranial safety” devices formerly known as helmets
  • All cars were delivered with standard transmissions, although there was an option for the “Transmission Reassignment” repair for those who self-identify as “automatic” and wished to have their stick-shift removed

For an additional $15,000 the buyer could get the “Silver” plan:

  • Adds a radio, which only gets NPR
  • Heater set to go no higher than 68 degrees
  • One Eco-friendly spare tire made entirely from Hemp
  • Hands–free motor-voter connectivity to the DNC and Acorn

If the buyer wished, they could spend an additional $25,000 for the “Gold” plan, which was originally called the “Cadillac” plan but was changed due to confusion surrounding the fact that Cadillac’s would no longer be manufactured in the United States:

  • Heated seats, set to go no higher than 68 degrees
  • Air conditioning, set to go no lower than 68 degrees
  • Power windows and locks, but only on the left side of the car
  • Faux leather seats, as leather was recently outlawed due to animal rights legislation
  • Rose-tinted windshield

Many car buyers found they could no longer afford cars under “Obamacar.”  They were forced into the alternate transportation program known as “Medi-Car”, comprised entirely of re-furbished 1960’s era Trabants.  Others opted out of the program entirely, choosing to have points placed on their license.  Soon, the wait for a new car was over 14 months long and required you to find a dealer in your network.  Public transportation was overwhelmed and the black-market for open bus seats flourished.  Those with money took vacations to the Caribbean where they would rent high performance cars to drive for a week to get their driving-fix.  Within three years, the Automobile industry crashed.  Many dealers went bankrupt while others simply decided to retire. Manufacturing moved to China.

Two years later, the Democrats controlled the house, the senate and the White House.  The first female President, sensing the difficulties and hardships faced by the traveling public introduced “Single Dealer” legislation.  It passed on a straight party line, with MSNBC declaring that the country finally achieved total equality and fairness in transportation by defeating the racists, terrorist, tyrants, bomb-throwing, hate-filled Nazi extortionists of the “Model-T” party.  All cars would now be manufactured by Government Motors and buyers could get their new cars directly from their local federal welfare office, DMV division.

Every driveway had a shiny, new one-seat Alinsky-mobile.  No one drove them.  They had nowhere to go.  They had no money to go there anyway. There were no jobs and government benefits were very limited, due to the fact that “Obamacar” and “Medi-Car” subsidies were accounting for 88 percent of  GDP.

But everyone has the same car, the same outcomes, they drive the same distance. They’re all equally miserable on the road to nowhere.  Just the way they wanted it.

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