I think it’s time we updated our favorite fairy tales to more closely match what our children are learning in the real world every day. Hey, we live in a truly magical time where we can stay kids forever, no worries about growing up, no need to work, everything is free and equal. How great is that? Let’s take a look and see how our favorite stories have evolved over time, you know, much the way our elected officials do. So do like pajama-boy; grab a blanky, put on your pj’s and let someone else do the reading for you. It’s story time at the liberal daycare…

Hi Red. I'm from the government and I'm here to help..

Hi Red. I’m from the government and I’m here to help..

Let’s start with Goldilocks and the three bears. Goldilocks broke into the home of the three bears and became a squatter, supported by the “Occupy the Enchanted Forest” movement, protesting against the 1% of magical creatures who own 99% of the magical dwellings. A local judge, who determined that property rights weren’t all that magical, allowed her to stay until the eviction process ran its course. Three years later, Goldilocks left the three bears with over $150,000 dollars in damages and $500,000 in legal fees. They declared bankruptcy and were unable to maintain their home. They were forced to move out of their house after local authorities condemned it.

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe; she had so many children, she didn’t know what to do. Many suggested she might try to curb her promiscuity, but they were “outed” as being soldiers in the “War on ladies who live in shoes.” So she went down to the local welfare office and got an EBT card, SSI for her children, fuel assistance, food stamps and put her children on “Fairy-Tale Care Act” insurance until they were twenty-six. Once a month she brings all of her daughters to Planned Parenthood for their magical monthly women’s health procedures.

Geogie Porgie pudding and pie, kissed the girls and made them cry. That was until his elementary school principal expelled him and had him arrested for sexual harassment. He was transferred to a juvenile center for re-education in gender sensitivity and womyn’s studies. Years later, he married his long-time partner “Little” Jack Horner who finally came out of the corner. Their wedding was officiated by the Fairy Godmother. A wonderful cake was provided by “Baker-man, Baker-man” who, after initially refusing to bake a cake for what he called a “make-believe wedding,” was sued by the state, lost in court and was ordered to bake the cake under penalty of death. He was audited years later and was arrested for tax evasion. He is currently serving fifteen years.

Jack and the beanstalk is a story about a young man who decided to risk his money in a start-up bean farm venture. Unfortunately for Jack, one-hundred and fifty thousand “unaccompanied Giant minors” came down the beanstalk and took over the land. The unaccompanied giants consumed all the food and social services and soon, everyone was poor. Poor, but equal. With the exception of the evil “Goose that laid the golden eggs;” he was the only one working, supplying capital and creating jobs and they hated him dearly. He was also a member of the dreaded “tea and crumpets” party, which made him even quite ickier. He was soon dispatched for Foie Gras and eventually, no one was able to pay for food and services to the poor. Which was pretty much everyone.

Maybe we should read the old favorite, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. You see, the dwarfs would go into the forest to work for days at a time, but failed to protect the borders of their little dwelling. Now the story has been updated to “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, twenty Mexicans, thirteen Guatemalans, ten Nicaraguans and five Hondurans.” Snow White died from tuberculosis.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, eating her curds and whey. Fairy-Tale government officials however, changed the school lunch policy, so now she only gets nutritious veggie-burgers and wilted asparagus, except on Fridays when she gets a slice of gluten-free pizza topped with low-fat skim mozzarella. Poor little Muffet usually throws half of her meal away and goes hungry. One day, her mother sent her to school with a brown bag filled with wonderful curds and whey, but it was confiscated by the nutrition czar and she was sent home with a strongly worded written reprimand for her mother. Child protective services were called to monitor Mrs. Muffet’s child-rearing skills.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack was arrested for tampering with a public water supply and the EPA fined Jill for destruction of the habitat of an endangered magical species, the “well-dwelling snail darter,” even though the well was on their property. Both went to jail for five years and subsequently were unable to find work with a criminal background. Jack is now living in public housing on that most magical of money; fairy-tale assistance. Jack is on disability and is also addicted to crystal meth. Jill currently lives under a bridge with a troll who is her pimp.

Well boys and girls, that’s it for story time; time for you to finish your soy milk and celery sticks before the afternoon nap. And remember, you’re special, but not much so. You’re unique, but no different than anyone else. You can get whatever you want in life, as long as there is someone  to take it from and someone else to make them give it to you. Because, you deserve it. You can do anything you want in life, except think for yourself and speak certain words. Remember, Mommy and Daddy love you, just not as much as the state loves you and we’ll always be here to provide you with legal services if they ever decide to spank you. In fact, it’d be much easier if you just stayed here in Fairy-Tale land where you’ll never have to work, you can get anything you want and never have to grow up to be responsible for yourselves. Now isn’t that magical?

Sleep tight kiddies….

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